Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Warranted Apology

You were the breath of fresh air that I so desperately needed after being underwater for so long.
So I took it with no reserve.
I took it for myself.

You weren't like him. You weren't well-versed in great poets. You didn't have a head filled with philosophical epiphanies. You didn't have branched thoughts or twisted furls of the brain.
I had to do nothing to keep up with you.
I wasn't mentally intimidated by you or intellectually in awe of you.
It was a pleasant change, for once.

I'm not sure what exactly I wanted. Maybe it was some semblance of stability that I craved, something I had been lacking in for over two years.
Maybe I was tired of having my heartstrings being knitted into sweaters by someone else, tired of being so emotionally involved with someone else, tired of caring, tired of loving.
Maybe I wanted a break, wanted to be cared about instead.
Maybe I wanted to tie-up someone else's heart like he did mine.

I chose you, the oblivious subject, the person whose life had nothing to do with mine.
Maybe I thought that you could drag me away from the things of my past into your land of simplicity.

Any smart person would know that it's not possible to live a life devoid of your past. Any smart person would know that trying to do so would be like trying to create an alter-ego. Any smart person would know that she could probably succeed until time caught up with her. I wasn't that smart person.
People who don't think will eventually fall to fate.

I am meant to be alone, if not forever, just for now at least. And I realized it a little too late.
I also realized that the only relationships that will have a profound effect on me are those with people who do have something to intimidate me with. I crave excitement. I crave new things, I crave knowledge, I crave rebellion, I crave spontaneity. I crave everything that you just couldn't offer me.
And it's not your problem.
I guess I just enjoy challenges far too much. And being with you was never a challenge.

I hope that you will be with someone who will be able to make you happy, someone who has a whole heart to give you. I'm just not that person. I should have known from the beginning that there was nothing going for us.
You can't build sandcastles with dry sand.

It's time for me to move forward.
I've used up your time and my time trying to forge something that I couldn't handle.

And I apologize with every remaining piece of my heart. I know you understand.


Write me a song.