maybe this is it, you know,
if one could even call something "the end"
when it never really began in the first place.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
There is nothing so heavy about the concept of love.
Whoever made it so was foolish, because all lovers have some form of love. Ours was like the snow in the winter where we lived.
It carried no weight, no responsibility, no burden.
We found each other brushed under the thin ice that coated the sidewalks,
melted the ice crystals off our skin with a burning love for Europe, our emotions heated for a continent in a way that they never would be for each other.
that was what we found in each other, l'esprit de l'europe.
Venetian canals, grapevines, gothic cathedrals. Perhaps it was through those things that we found some sort of love for another human being too.
We crafted beauty with the casual —
"de temps en temps," as the parisiennes would say.
It was through this disconnect, this unbounded territory, that we planted our roots,
not knowing what would become of anything we had, or if, in twelve short months, we'd even have anything at all to talk about over our glasses of Perrier and relentless insomnia.
Not knowing if you'd remember my face when I left,
or if the pictures of les montagnes et les compagnes on my wall would still remind me of the person who gave them to me.
We knew only that the fickle breeze of Bretagne would come by spring,
that it was only more beautiful
because it would end soon.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
She swore to her soul and everything else she believed in that she would never end up being one of them.
One of them — those foolish, cotton-headed women who lived to wait. They were everywhere.
Those who would put on dresses and sashes and hats and wait. Those who would eat dinner and sit on their couches in the evening and wait. Those who would go to bed and wake up and look in the mirror everyday at the dust collecting in the creases of their once-beautiful and now gradually aging faces and wait.
For love to sweep them off their feet, for success or great fortune to come billowing their way.
For the 9:30 train.
For some sort of revolution.
For the beginning of their lives.
They disgusted her more than anything, those miserable creatures, helpless to themselves, helpless to fate. But then again, she didn't exactly believe in fate because it was that concept in and of itself that disgusted her. The idea of not having complete control over one's own life, that every premeditated occurrence in one's short life lay in the hands of some invisible, omniscient deity.
No, certainly not. Those were the thoughts of idealists, dreamers. The ones who stayed in bed and dreamed of traversing tumultuous seas, trudging through their lives, never knowing what exactly was reality and what wasn't. And when they were finally able to draw the line, it was too late. They had nothing left but ashes in the fireplace, family in the mausoleums, cold tea dregs, and a few grains left in the hourglass.
She shuddered. Never.
But when she couldn't sleep sometimes, when her eyes tired of staring at screens and books and papers, when she lay in bed listening to her clock tick its way slowly to 4 a.m.,
when troubled thoughts stirred her mind — thoughts of temperamental emotions and half-present lovers — and strange moods made her question her sanity,
she wondered if she really wasn't one of those foolish, waiting women after all.
Friday, January 14, 2011
It wasn't that she had to do it. She had no genuine need to do what she did, neither was she in lack of anything.
But there they were, stacked in pretty rows, thrown in little baskets for her to sift through, available for her nimble, trained fingers to run over, to toy with. And sometimes, it just wasn't enough to sit in front of her computer to type, though she was good at that, too.
Come to think of it, she was unnaturally good at most things involving her hands. They called her a kinesthetic learner, and she saw the world around her not with her eyes, but through her fingertips, whether they were drenched in colorful paints and smeared against white paper or rubbed up against the rough, sandpapery bricks of the buildings that lined the icy streets she walked every day. She felt color and read people by touch. And even on the coldest days, when brutal winds would chafe the skin to bleeding, she never wore gloves.
Ever since she was young, she had an interest in building things with her hands, folding origami, writing, drawing.
It wasn't that she had some deep, uncovered mental issue, though some seemed to be convinced that she did. She wasn't greedy, morbid, impoverished, or harboring some buried event in her past that manifested itself through a rare psychological disorder. On the contrary, she was a rather bright person, extraordinarily amiable, her cheeriness only occasionally tinted by the cynicism of her realistic side that she touched base with every once in while when the lights were dim and exhaustion plagued her mental faculties. She was ambitious, just like most average people her age. But unlike most average people her age, she cared not for fame, or for fortune, or for luxury, recognition, or anything else that usually was assumed to accompany greatness.
Her only desire was to satisfy her hunger, a hunger that was insatiable by means of any material object that could possibly be offered to her on earth, and she had every talent and ability to acquire such objects if that was indeed what she wanted. But it wasn't.
The only things she ever wanted were those things that were intangible, those abstract concepts and twisted ideas that she ached to soak through her skin by touch, and she spent every excess second of her life finding ways to do so. But sometimes even the greatest thinkers of the past were frustrating. And sometimes when she could find no answers in the notes of melodic composers or the over-leafed pages of her books, or in the scarce intelligence that lay scattered around her in the form of mechanic human beings, she turned to the only thing left that could give her a brief, fleeting, yet undeniable moment of utter satisfaction.
The only thing that could break every social and moral boundary that tied her immovably to the frame that she wanted so desperately to shatter. It was passive. It was subtle. It was a crime.
And the feeling of being full and not hungry, though ephemeral it was, was still a good feeling nonetheless. It fed her like food did a Holocaust survivor. It kept her running until the next time...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Some start with a bang. Some start with smiles. Some start with sparks.
And some, some you can't even tell how it starts at all, only that it did
and now you're
tangled. Hands and feet bound in a net wrapped, twisted around your body, around your bones, around your brains.
And you can't get out of it. But you don't want to anyways, because this is what it's like
(or as they all say) what it's like to fall in
Or so you would be inclined to believe. Because the last time your back was up
against a wall like that, so was everything else of yours. Your emotions, your convictions,
your religion. And when you finally pulled yourself off of it, you swore to the only god left that
you believed in
that you would never put anything of yours in the hands of any
because all beautiful people were the same. Lovely and different from afar until you got within the reach of
their crusted fingernails, their sharp talons that raked in what you had to give and locked it
away in their cold rattling chests to feed on until they could prey on their next victim. And you
were left, stripped down to the skin and running as fast as you could
into exactly what you wanted to avoid,
exactly what you swore you'd never go near again. But this time he was lovely and different from all the others. He had strong hands, a gentle touch, and you couldn't see any talons.
So there you were again, in a net, knowing you would hate yourself again in a couple months,
knowing you were tangled in the trap of another beautiful person, knowing that right now you were helpless to it, and knowing that
this time, you had a knife.
A knife to carve out the bleeding heart of a beast.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I spent New Years with some friends in a gray void down by a pier in front of the Atlantic Ocean.
We had expected to see fireworks by the harbor, the traditional explosions in the distance, fire in the sky. Countdowns, toasts, clear skies.
But instead, we found a night with fog as dense as steel wool clinging to our skin, with visibility hardly five feet in front of us. We couldn't see lights, we didn't hear explosions. All we could see was gray nothingness, a sort of frightening nothingness at our fingertips.
And quite honestly, my thoughts about the new year were the same, that is, I had none.
So here's to the new year,
To my expectations for this year being as obscure as our view from the pier, not having a damn clue what lies out there in front of me,
To not even knowing if I'll have what it takes to meet whatever is there.
But here's also to knowing that no matter what happens, this is life.
We live, we love, we lose. In retrospect, 2010 showed me all of this, and more. Much more than I expected to see.
And whether I'm ready for it right now or not, this is another year.
2011, hit me with your best shot, and by best, I mean, not too hard, please.
I usually make resolutions, but I have none this year. When my expectations are more foggy than they've ever been, there is no possible way I could make any semblance of a resolution.
And to everyone who may stumble across this, here's a toast to you, too:
May your love be greater than your loss, and if not, may love be in your loss. May you find passion in your grief, happiness in your solitude. And may you seek beauty in everything you do.