Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Clarity.

I don't know why I'm saying this now. I don't think there's much of a point to it, really. We used to understand each other so well without words, but now, now we no longer do. It has been a long while since we've understood each other, even with words. Whenever I do talk to you now, our conversation is wan, sullen, abrupt. We no longer reside on the same plane, but then again, we never did.


There's hardly a week that goes by that you don't appear in my thoughts somehow, somewhere. Sometimes it's the wonderful things I remember, sometimes it's how much you hurt me. You hurt me like nobody has ever hurt me, like nobody ever will again in my life.


He hasn't got what you had, your sheer, ingenius brilliance of mind. The same brilliance that made me fall in love with you, the same brilliance that you gave a bit of to me, the same brilliance that ultimately turned me away from you. The same brilliance that is now dulled, masked, tainted into some unrecognizable form by the life you choose to live, a life that I wish never to be immersed again. 


But he has eyes that see the truth, hands with a gentle touch, and a heart full of love. Unconditional love  that not only did you not have for me, but also exploited from me. His mind holds the rain without the clouds. In him, I find the solace, the peace, the beauty of safety, of security, that I never found in you. With him, I am never afraid to love. With you, I always was. 


I have missed the feeling of loving passionately with no reserve.


Call this a parting letter, if you will. It seems clear enough now that our lives will not intersect much anymore, and if they do, it will only be a sort of passing reverie, a brief acknowledgment of everything we loved in each other, everything we hated in each other, before we both turn and walk in the opposite direction, something we both knew would eventually happen. We knew this years and years ago, even right from the beginning. 


But no matter how much you've put me through, how many years of emotional pain and torment I endured for you, I will still always love you and wish all the best for you.

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